Why I smile...

Why not?? Smiling is contagious. Simply put. I get asked all the time why I smile so much. Honestly...I have no idea why...I just do. Get over it!! :) Not really...just messin with you right there. For real though...why not smile. Think about a bad day...maybe your worst day. What happens when you see someone with a smile?? Maybe you look at them and it pisses you off even more...maybe it does not do much to help at the time...but maybe...just maybe at some point in your bad day, that smile helps you smile. Subconsciously speaking...you may not realize that is what happened to you...but it just may be the reason you ended up smiling. Now...reverse that...lets say you are having a GREAT day and someone cuts you off in traffic, or makes a mean comment to you or to someone else and you hear it, or you just get someone else's negative energy stuck on you just by walking past them. Does it ruin your day?? I think for most people it can or it does. At times...I must admit...I let people in traffic get the best of me. I have a SUPER bad habit of yelling at cars as I drive...HEY...I am working on it!! One day in particular I got really MAD at someone that cut me off in the Wal-Mart parking lot...then I saw him in the store looking all happy and cheery. I realized at that very moment that he had no idea that he had ruined my day. You know what?? Why did I let him ruin it for those few minutes?? IMMEDIATELY my attitude changed right back in to all smiles...I was not gonna let someone else ruin my day...especially when he had no clue that he had done so. You feel me?? So...I smile. Yes...there are times that I cry, get upset, angry, yell, cry some more, make harsh comments to someone or about someone...ONLY when needed of course ;)...cry even more...that is what I do and I do it a lot at certain times :) Anyway...even during those harder moments in life...I am smiling...maybe not at that exact moment...but I don't stay down too long. I will not let myself. I understand everyone is different...I am not saying everyone can be this way...but most of the time how we think in life is exactly why things turn out the way they do. Some people really cannot control the way their brain thinks at all times...but during the times they can control it...make it positive and happy!! SMILE...you never know if your smile may have just saved someone from taking their own life. Sometimes that is all it takes to make all the difference in somebody else's world!!

Here she is again...on my mind once more...

So...these are the blogs that are on my Myspace page...one from the night that Ashley died and then one that I wrote the next day. Everyone was asking me what happened...so I posted it for everyone to read.

August 13, 2008 2:15am

How does one mourn the loss of someone so dear to their heart!?! I lost my sweet sister Ashley Ann Mortensen (soon to be Collins) about 6 hours ago. She left this world at the happiest point in her short life. She was going to marry the love of her life, Richie, on September 25, 2008. He made her SOOOOO happy and for the first time in her life and in my life...she FINALLY illuminated this glow that was indescribable, a literal glow!! All of the signs that her time on this earth was up, were so obvious, but nobody really paid much attention to them until after she was gone. She had frequently been telling my sister-in-law for the last 6 months that she felt like someone in our family was going to die to bring everyone closer together and she felt as though it would be her that would die...and now she is gone. Ashley and I struggled in our sisterly friendship a lot, well most of the time, during her short stay on this earth. About a year or so ago, I started to feel as though we really needed to repair our friendship and love each other to the fullest that we possibly could. We both recognized this and we had become very close. I love that little girl, well...woman, VERY much! I was just playin with her over text messages today...she was being so silly. I cannot believe she is gone...not sure that is has hit me completely yet...but she looked so beautiful just laying there after she died. She was so peaceful, calm, gorgeous, still so full of light...oh my goodness, she is so amazing! Baby girl...you will be in my heart and I will carry you EVERYWHERE I go for the rest of my life!!!!!! I know you are in a much better place and that you are very happy and I know that you and Richie will be together again someday! I love you sweet baby girl!!!

Love,

Your big sister

Jamie Lynn

August 13, 2008 10:53am

For those of you who want to know how Ashley died...here you go. There was a house on fire 3 doors down and my dad was going to help put out the flames before it spread to the whole house. He did not know that my brother was already there and putting out the flames with the hose. My dad said that Ashley was on the curb, he saw her there, then he backed up really fast to go help and just as he did, she stepped off the curb to look at the fire. He knocked her over and ran over her body. She was all the way up under the truck and her legs were sticking out the side of the truck. My dad and brother got under the truck and my dad said she breathed for about a minute and a half. My brother said that she looked at him and he just felt her telling him, "Thank You, please tell the family and Richie (her fiance) Thank You!" She stopped breathing at that point. They had a pulse before they took her, but her chest was so crushed that when they put the breathing tube down her throat, it just spewed blood. They had her alive still at the hospital but said her quality of life would have been very poor. She would not want to live like that! She went quick and that is a relief! It was her time...she knew it...she had been saying it for 6 months and it was like she was just preparing herself and all of us for it. My heart goes out to Richie...I could not get him out of my mind all night when she died...he was the first one I thought of when I pulled up and saw what was happening. I am so sad for him...he loves her SOOOO much and she was his everything and he was her everything! She is doing to Lord's work now...she is needed more there than here. To be honest...I am jealous of her! She is in a perfect place and we are all still here trying to figure out just what our purpose is...someday we will know, just as she came to know at the end of her life!

It's hard...but well worth it in the end...

So...yes I am in love with an amazing man...yes I would do ANYTHING to have him in my life...yes I know what I have gotten myself in to with him being so far away, but he is still so near and dear to my heart. Words cannot express the way that I feel for this man...he is wonderful, incredible, amazing, sweet, thoughtful, loving, caring, just everything that I could ever want. He is still far from me and this is the trouble inside my heart tonight. It is lover's day today and tonight...yet I sit here alone...wishing I was in his arms finally. Only 5 more lover's days to miss before I am able to feel that warmth and strength that he gives me with just a thought of him. Something about him makes me feel so safe...even while he is gone away. He is such a giant...a gentle giant...but he is the one that does nothing but make me feel like I am the most important thing in his life. I feel so tiny next to him...that is crazy...but he just surrounds me and makes me feel more love with each time I hear his voice. Does he know and understand just how much he means to me?? I don't know for sure...but I know that I am figuring out just how much I mean to him. It has taken me a long while to get to this point, but finally I am seeing the whole picture and learning that he loves me for me...not for any other reason but that I am who I am. He is my world, without him, I am not whole. I missed out on 8 years of that wholeness that my love gives me. Some people may understand, others may not, that is just fine either way...all that matters to me is that I understand. It all makes sense again, life...love. It just fits together finally. I am so thankful for how free I feel for the first time in my life...it is truly the greatest feeling in my life at this point. 

I long for his touch, his whisper in my ear, his calm reassurance, the gentleness of his hands slowly moving up my arms as he stands behind me with his lips pressed against my cheek and he breathes in my scent and cherishes my every move. I long to just feel his body next to mine...that will be a wonderful day. Until then...I lay here alone and dream of the day I will touch him the way I want to...without anyone telling me to move away from him. Nothing to stop us...no boundaries...just love and emotion intertwining to make one being out of two that used to be. 

I love you with everything inside of me...we will be together forever before you know it. Thank you for loving me through my damages and taking care of me when I don't know how to anymore. MUAH baby...MUAH!!! 

Forever Yours,

Jamie Lynn Gower

At this point in my life...

When things in life come to a crossroad...which way does one go?? See...here is how I am thinking...who is the one that decides how you should live your life. Who is it that has the right to tell you what to do, when to do it, how to do it, how often to do it and how well to do whatever you are doing?? Things in my life now are much different than they once were. To those who see me at this point in life, I am sorry that you see me as a lost soul. I feel as though I have finally found myself. I express myself much more freely than I ever have before, I do things that I would have never dared to do. I am great friends with those that I may never have been blessed to know had I stayed the way I was. Everyone on this earth deserves the chance to know just who they were always intended to be. Think about it...who are you?? Are you someone who does things just because that is what they were always told was right...or do you TRULY believe that those things are the right things to be doing. If you do believe the things that you were always told and you live your life that way because it is who and what you are...then that is awesome and I am proud of you. For me...I believe the way that I believe...nobody and nothing will ever change that in me. When it comes to me being who I am...I am who I am...if you can't handle the choices I make because you think that I am going the wrong way in life...then turn your body the other way and just keep walking. I am not being someone that you want me to be. I am being who I know that I am and who I have always been. Love me or don't...it is your gain or your loss. I love you even if you walk away!! 

I am exhausted in life right now...in every way possible. I do everything for everyone and it is tiring. I had a VERY good friend tell me a couple of nights ago that I can't save everyone. You know what?? This is so true!! I can only save me...that is exactly what I must do now. Call it selfish...call it selfless...call it whatever you want...just know that I am doing all that I can for myself. The only people I must answer to is myself and the good Lord above!! Where life takes me is up to me...I know the direction I am headed and I will make it there...regardless of who and what tries to get in my way. I will push through challenges and trials that life will throw in my way and I will learn from those challenges and turn them in to my strengths...then move forward and do it all over again. As for now...all is good!! I have AMAZING people in my life...in every area of my life...and I always surround myself with positive influences. This is just me...just Jamie Lynn...just a girl who is doing her best and making it through every good and bad part of life. Just me!!   

Just thinking...

So...tonight I had my eyes opened a bit more to this thing I call my life. I realized that I am still so closed off and need to look inside myself more and learn that I can trust myself...otherwise, how can I trust others, especially the most important person in my life. Still reeling from the mental abuse that I endured in my marriage, I hold things back from the man that I love and that hurts him. I sit here in tears for the thought of any hurt that I cause him. I am so blessed to have him in my life. I know exactly why I wonder if I am always getting the full truth from him, it is because in some things, I don't tell him the full truth in my life. Everything I have ever shared with this amazing man is the absolute truth, I just know that I need to stop worrying about what his reaction will be and tell him every detail so he has the FULL truth. He does not react the same way that another man in my past does...he actually has kind words and incredible advice to give me when I tell him about things that I have done to mess up. He does not judge me and he makes me feel more loved even in the errors that I continue to make. He loves me more with every flaw that he finds...instead of beating my mind up with those flaws and making me feel like less of a woman than I really am. So why don't I do what I need to do to make sure that I will gain more of his trust instead of trashing it?? That is the question that I can't get out of my head and it is the one thing that hurts me the most at this moment. Jamie has to make some mental changes if things will ever come full circle and finally feel complete. I feel like more of a whole woman than I have ever felt before, yet part of me won't let go of the hurt from the past. The only prison is my mind...will I continue to let this pain from the past hold me in a locked cell forever?? Hell NO!!! I am picking up the rest of the pieces and taking back my life. I am opening up the last door that has been locked deep inside my heart and there will be no more "hiding" things that I think will hurt him or anyone else. My life is open to reality and I will face it with the upmost respect for myself, a respect that I have never had for myself. Forgive me my love, forgive me for still sheltering the deepest part of my life and love. Take me and peel off the burnt and damaged pieces of my heart and body...take care of my pain and never let my heart hurt the way that it has for so many years since you left my life before. Having this most amazing love that I have missed out on for so long has made me realize just how much value I have in life, and not just my own life, but the lives of all who love me.

I am so sorry for waiting even a moment to tell you anything that could hurt you. Thank you for everything...for the gift of life...the gift of TRUE LOVE...the gift of YOU!!!

Have you ever just loved someone so much it hurts?? There is nothing more joyous and happy than true love, there is nothing more painful and devastating than true love, there is nothing more calming and peaceful than true love, there is nothing more incredible and inspiring than true love, there is nothing more scary and vulnerable than true love. True love is true love...nothing can or ever will change that and nothing can or ever will measure up to true love. Nothing from the past will ever take away the possibilities of a future, as long as everyone involved in the future is willing to take chances on love and on life, pick themselves up when they fall and just keep on moving in the reality of the moment.

Being in love with you has been the best thing that has ever happened in my life. No single moment, until now, has been so great...now every moment is better than great!! Every moment that I know is yours, mine and ours. You are the very best friend that a girl could ever ask for and the very best man that a woman could want to share eternity with. I am just so glad that I am that lucky girl...the most lucky girl in the world to have the most awesome man to love me, wrap me in his arms, and call me his for now and for forever. Regardless of my weaknesses, you love me and I have tried to figure out why...then I decided...I don't need to figure out why, I just know that you do and that is all I need to know. Thank you for believing in me and constantly encouraging me to better my thoughts and my life. You truly are the greatest part of me!! Thank you for loving me!!! I love you more than anything on this planet!!

Love,
Your Baby Cakes

Why her??

My sweet sister...I miss you more than words can even express. I don't even know where to start. I love you more than I ever have and I am so sorry that I did not do enough to express that when you were on this earth. Your life has truly amazed me. I know that you always felt like you did not matter to anyone...for that I am truly sorry. I am sorry that I did not wrap my arms around you when you needed it the most...that is all I want now...just to hold you in my arms again, to love you and to never ever let you go. You are the most beautiful woman that I have ever known and now your beauty is so much more powerful and bright...for I have seen you in my dreams. Baby girl...I long for the day that I will see you again and be able to wrap my arms around your neck and tell you how much I love you. Ashley, I pray that you are able to truly feel the wholeness that you longed for on this earth and was never able to feel. I know that you are now in the arms of Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father and that they are keeping you very busy with all of us down here asking for help in so many areas of our lives. I have found comfort in knowing that you are the one that the Lord has granted the right to administer to me and the rest of the family during our times of struggles and to catch us when we fall. Thank you for being my angel Ash...you are the best angel that anyone could ever ask for. I am proud of you for getting your life in order the way that you wanted it to be before the Lord took you from this hell. I can't wait until it is also my turn to return to that place and be with you and the rest of the family...no I am not in any hurry...I just anticipate that day. 

There are so many things that I miss...but I am so thankful for the sweet memories that I have of you and us. I miss your voice...you have the most incredible voice I have ever heard and I know that the Lord is putting it to great use in the Heavenly choirs above. I miss the way that you announced your entrance in to any room at any given time. It was always well know when you were around. I miss your woody-woodpecker laugh and how big your cheeks got when you would laugh. I miss your screaming and cheering for ASU and I miss going to any of those games with you. I miss your bling...the BIG necklaces and and earrings that always added extra beauty to your already beautiful face. I miss watching all of the babies run and jump in your arms when you showed up...I miss them saying, "Ashwey"...and seeing the look on your face when you would see them, and your puckered lips when you wanted smooches from them. I miss watching you text someone without ever looking at your phone, while you are carrying on a face to face conversation with someone else. I miss how much you were online...it drove me crazy...but I miss it so much now!! I miss telling you to pull your shirt up so you were not showing your world to everyone. I miss your crooked bottom lip and tiny upper lip. I miss your "pit bull" attitude. I miss our arguments cuz we both knew we were right...now I know how much being right does not matter one damn bit!! The most important part is being happy...not being right. I would let you be right every time if I had only known that you would be taken from us so early. I miss you...every part of you...every everything about you. I am so sorry that I was mean to you when we were kids...please forgive me Ashley!! I love you so much and I don't know how to go on without you at times. 

Never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined that I would see you in your Temple clothes for the first time as you lay in your casket. Never would I have ever thought that I would have to help dress my 21 year old sister and help do her hair and make-up for her funeral...I should have been helping dress my 21 year old sister and helping with her hair and make-up for her wedding that should have been 6 weeks later. OUCH...that thought hurts. Never would I have thought that I would have to bury a sibling before a parent...not that I am looking forward to burying anyone at any time. Never would I have imagined that all text messages and phones calls from her would be non-existent. I swear that the Lord has given her special permission to have a phone up there cuz I still get texts from her phone number (even though I know my nieces have that number now). I just know that some of the things that are sent to me as a text from that number are from her...I love it...and I love when it scares me too!! 

Ashley, I would give anything to see you again! Thank you for letting me see you in a dream so that I know that you are exactly where you are supposed to be and that you are and will forever be watching over me and all of us. Thank you for just being you and for being a part of my life...you are a great blessing to me. I miss you dearly and I love you very much!!! 

Love, 

Lamie Jynn :)

Have you ever wondered??

What is it in life that makes us who we are?? Is it who gave birth to us...or maybe who raised us...or the things that we have seen throughout our childhood and the rest of our lives?? Well here is the way I think and truly believe...

I believe that we were all given our personalities, traits and looks in a former life by God. When we crossed through that vail to come to this earth...some things changed for all of us. Some of us were given challenges that nobody else on this earth was strong enough to handle. God knew that those people were the strongest ones and that by giving them those challenges...they may feel inadequate at times throughout their lives and want to do things to change that...but no matter what they do, it never changes. If a "normal" person was given these same challenges...they would fall to pieces and they would never survive it. Those stronger people who have been given these extra challenges...whether physical or mental...are able to work through the rough times in their lives the way that nobody else could even dream of. These people are given an incredible gift that sometimes can feel like a major curse throughout their lives. Only they will ever know what it is like to live inside of their own minds...and it is up to those who surround them to take the things that happen to them or things that they may do, and learn from them. We can make or break their entire world...it is up to us to make sure that their surrounding world is nothing but awesome and uplifting...as they may never be able to do that on their own. It is us that can change someone who has these challenges from a potential that nobody ever wants to see, to something that can change this world for now and for the rest of time and possibly for eternity.

I have been blessed to have had the opportunity to know a few of these people who constantly struggle and I am honored to say that I am in love with one of them. I am in no way an angel, but I do know that I am the one who can either tear his world to shreds, or make it something that he can constantly see as his safe haven and a refuge from the storm. I am so glad that I can see the difference...there is nothing on this planet that I want more than to make him happy and make the rest of his time on this earth the very best that it can be...until he is relieved of this burden and the Lord looks him in the eyes and says, "Well done thou good and faithful servant. I love you son!"