What the hell has he done to me??

Weakness overcomes me when I hear his voice. On a daily basis, flippies fill my tummy the second I begin to think about him and it take hours for them to go away. My entire body shakes when I know I’m about to see him. An uncontrollable smile overtakes my face the instant he walks through that door and only gets bigger as he makes his way over to me. Glasses off...on my tippie toes...biting my bottom lip...I throw my arms around his neck and he kisses me with so much passion as he lifts me off the ground a bit. Everyone else disappears when he’s near me and it becomes all about us alone. Not exactly sure how he does it, but the entire world becomes non-existent the second his skin touches mine. To feel like a kid again…EVERY time I’m in his presence. His jokes crack me up. His laughter fuels mine. His tenderness melts me into a pot of mush and I know it is impossible for me to recuperate. His roughness works me up inside and I just want to scream…but I never do because he is far too precious for any of that nonsense. He’s demanding and even more giving…never overpowering or demeaning. This is one grip that I don’t EVER want out of!!

One day…one day we will share in the gift of each other’s full grasp. One day I know I will find myself in awe of his complete love. For now I find myself in awe of that thought. My body goes weak and I become speechless when I think of making love to my best friend!! Having never been with each other completely has its ups and downs. Mostly I’m just ancy to know the feeling of our bodies becoming one with each other. I struggle to find the right words to express the feeling I have inside when thoughts of wrapping myself up in him run through my mind, but it goes something like this…my lower abdomen literally jumps up and down, spins around, and trembles to a point of being uncontrollable. My tummy tingles and won’t stop…no matter how hard I try. I can’t breathe and my heart races to a point that it almost scares me. Why…how??

I never knew this was possible for anyone…let alone for myself. This is an unspoken power that he never told me he had. It wouldn’t have kept me away from him even if he had told me. I just wish I would have had some sort of advance notice that I would lose myself completely in the love of such an incredible man. I have no control over what happens to me when I’m in his presence, or when I read a letter from him, or when I hear his voice, or even when I think about him. So…I have pretty much have no control over myself all day, every day.

Images run through my mind of our life together when he comes home. He holds my hand and kisses my forehead as I give birth to our babies. Seeing our tiny creations engulfed by his giant arms while he smiles from ear to ear, makes me cry tears of joy. He has a new weakness…our little runts. It’s so nice to see this side of him. His tenderness surrounds me every day, but now I get to see his softness with the beginning of the rest of our lives. He doesn’t realize the look that is on his face when children are around him…he smiles so big and has no clue he’s doing it. That is precious to me!!

I’m in love with my very best friend!! I’m the luckiest woman in the entire universe!!

Overcome...

What makes people overcome things in life?? I keep listening to this song “Overcome” by Creed…over and over and over. It is so empowering to me right now in my life. I have SOOOO many emotions going through my head at this very moment and I’m doing my best to sort through them.

I just left the love of my life 1,000 miles away from me…again. It hurts like hell more and more each time!! I need to find a job, but don’t really want to, but I do want to…hell, it’s too confusing in my head. I’m working toward my degree. I have lost 110 pounds in the past 6 months. I feel pulled in so many ways by so many people.

Why am I doing this to myself?? What IS important to ME??

As the song says, “You’ll never know what I was thinkin before you came around. Take a step, take a breath, put your guard down. I cannot worry anymore of what you think of me. I may be crazy, but I’m buried in your memory!! I’m entitled to overcome.”

My God, my husband, myself, my family, my church, my career, my friends…and in that order. That’s what is important to me. So many things are happening in my life, yet nothing is happening at all, and all of this is going on at the same time. Maybe it’s time to get to the simpler things in life.

Listening to it again…my favorite part of this song has to be the beginning. “Don’t cry victim to me. Everything we are and used to be is buried and gone!!!!!”

So what is it then that people do to overcome?? Not sure about anyone else, but I know mine begins with praying to the one that created me and all that I have been blessed with in this life and all that I will be blessed with in the life to come. For me to overcome anything that may hit me in the face, I have to know that I have the love and support from the love of my life. Regardless of my own feelings, if he doesn’t support me and my efforts, those efforts become non-existent. I thank God that he does support everything I do in my life, and that he tells me what his thoughts are as I go on in my journey so that I’m able to intertwine him in to my dreams and goals. I wouldn’t have it any other way!!

Well that’s how it begins for me. I’m still working on the rest to this point. I do know that I have a great foundation to work with. My family loves me through everything I do in life, whether they agree or disagree is another story, but they always love and support ME. That’s all I need to know.

For me to overcome…Jamie Lynn has to pull out of this funk that she calls “life”. Really?? What the hell is it that keeps me here?? Not sure, but I really don’t care anymore. All I know is that I’m a survivor and will make it through anything the Lord puts in my path to challenge me. Just watch!!!!