So...tonight I had my eyes opened a bit more to this thing I call my life. I realized that I am still so closed off and need to look inside myself more and learn that I can trust myself...otherwise, how can I trust others, especially the most important person in my life. Still reeling from the mental abuse that I endured in my marriage, I hold things back from the man that I love and that hurts him. I sit here in tears for the thought of any hurt that I cause him. I am so blessed to have him in my life. I know exactly why I wonder if I am always getting the full truth from him, it is because in some things, I don't tell him the full truth in my life. Everything I have ever shared with this amazing man is the absolute truth, I just know that I need to stop worrying about what his reaction will be and tell him every detail so he has the FULL truth. He does not react the same way that another man in my past does...he actually has kind words and incredible advice to give me when I tell him about things that I have done to mess up. He does not judge me and he makes me feel more loved even in the errors that I continue to make. He loves me more with every flaw that he finds...instead of beating my mind up with those flaws and making me feel like less of a woman than I really am. So why don't I do what I need to do to make sure that I will gain more of his trust instead of trashing it?? That is the question that I can't get out of my head and it is the one thing that hurts me the most at this moment. Jamie has to make some mental changes if things will ever come full circle and finally feel complete. I feel like more of a whole woman than I have ever felt before, yet part of me won't let go of the hurt from the past. The only prison is my mind...will I continue to let this pain from the past hold me in a locked cell forever?? Hell NO!!! I am picking up the rest of the pieces and taking back my life. I am opening up the last door that has been locked deep inside my heart and there will be no more "hiding" things that I think will hurt him or anyone else. My life is open to reality and I will face it with the upmost respect for myself, a respect that I have never had for myself. Forgive me my love, forgive me for still sheltering the deepest part of my life and love. Take me and peel off the burnt and damaged pieces of my heart and body...take care of my pain and never let my heart hurt the way that it has for so many years since you left my life before. Having this most amazing love that I have missed out on for so long has made me realize just how much value I have in life, and not just my own life, but the lives of all who love me.
I am so sorry for waiting even a moment to tell you anything that could hurt you. Thank you for everything...for the gift of life...the gift of TRUE LOVE...the gift of YOU!!!
Have you ever just loved someone so much it hurts?? There is nothing more joyous and happy than true love, there is nothing more painful and devastating than true love, there is nothing more calming and peaceful than true love, there is nothing more incredible and inspiring than true love, there is nothing more scary and vulnerable than true love. True love is true love...nothing can or ever will change that and nothing can or ever will measure up to true love. Nothing from the past will ever take away the possibilities of a future, as long as everyone involved in the future is willing to take chances on love and on life, pick themselves up when they fall and just keep on moving in the reality of the moment.
Being in love with you has been the best thing that has ever happened in my life. No single moment, until now, has been so great...now every moment is better than great!! Every moment that I know is yours, mine and ours. You are the very best friend that a girl could ever ask for and the very best man that a woman could want to share eternity with. I am just so glad that I am that lucky girl...the most lucky girl in the world to have the most awesome man to love me, wrap me in his arms, and call me his for now and for forever. Regardless of my weaknesses, you love me and I have tried to figure out why...then I decided...I don't need to figure out why, I just know that you do and that is all I need to know. Thank you for believing in me and constantly encouraging me to better my thoughts and my life. You truly are the greatest part of me!! Thank you for loving me!!! I love you more than anything on this planet!!
Love,
Your Baby Cakes
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