What the hell has he done to me??

Weakness overcomes me when I hear his voice. On a daily basis, flippies fill my tummy the second I begin to think about him and it take hours for them to go away. My entire body shakes when I know I’m about to see him. An uncontrollable smile overtakes my face the instant he walks through that door and only gets bigger as he makes his way over to me. Glasses off...on my tippie toes...biting my bottom lip...I throw my arms around his neck and he kisses me with so much passion as he lifts me off the ground a bit. Everyone else disappears when he’s near me and it becomes all about us alone. Not exactly sure how he does it, but the entire world becomes non-existent the second his skin touches mine. To feel like a kid again…EVERY time I’m in his presence. His jokes crack me up. His laughter fuels mine. His tenderness melts me into a pot of mush and I know it is impossible for me to recuperate. His roughness works me up inside and I just want to scream…but I never do because he is far too precious for any of that nonsense. He’s demanding and even more giving…never overpowering or demeaning. This is one grip that I don’t EVER want out of!!

One day…one day we will share in the gift of each other’s full grasp. One day I know I will find myself in awe of his complete love. For now I find myself in awe of that thought. My body goes weak and I become speechless when I think of making love to my best friend!! Having never been with each other completely has its ups and downs. Mostly I’m just ancy to know the feeling of our bodies becoming one with each other. I struggle to find the right words to express the feeling I have inside when thoughts of wrapping myself up in him run through my mind, but it goes something like this…my lower abdomen literally jumps up and down, spins around, and trembles to a point of being uncontrollable. My tummy tingles and won’t stop…no matter how hard I try. I can’t breathe and my heart races to a point that it almost scares me. Why…how??

I never knew this was possible for anyone…let alone for myself. This is an unspoken power that he never told me he had. It wouldn’t have kept me away from him even if he had told me. I just wish I would have had some sort of advance notice that I would lose myself completely in the love of such an incredible man. I have no control over what happens to me when I’m in his presence, or when I read a letter from him, or when I hear his voice, or even when I think about him. So…I have pretty much have no control over myself all day, every day.

Images run through my mind of our life together when he comes home. He holds my hand and kisses my forehead as I give birth to our babies. Seeing our tiny creations engulfed by his giant arms while he smiles from ear to ear, makes me cry tears of joy. He has a new weakness…our little runts. It’s so nice to see this side of him. His tenderness surrounds me every day, but now I get to see his softness with the beginning of the rest of our lives. He doesn’t realize the look that is on his face when children are around him…he smiles so big and has no clue he’s doing it. That is precious to me!!

I’m in love with my very best friend!! I’m the luckiest woman in the entire universe!!

Overcome...

What makes people overcome things in life?? I keep listening to this song “Overcome” by Creed…over and over and over. It is so empowering to me right now in my life. I have SOOOO many emotions going through my head at this very moment and I’m doing my best to sort through them.

I just left the love of my life 1,000 miles away from me…again. It hurts like hell more and more each time!! I need to find a job, but don’t really want to, but I do want to…hell, it’s too confusing in my head. I’m working toward my degree. I have lost 110 pounds in the past 6 months. I feel pulled in so many ways by so many people.

Why am I doing this to myself?? What IS important to ME??

As the song says, “You’ll never know what I was thinkin before you came around. Take a step, take a breath, put your guard down. I cannot worry anymore of what you think of me. I may be crazy, but I’m buried in your memory!! I’m entitled to overcome.”

My God, my husband, myself, my family, my church, my career, my friends…and in that order. That’s what is important to me. So many things are happening in my life, yet nothing is happening at all, and all of this is going on at the same time. Maybe it’s time to get to the simpler things in life.

Listening to it again…my favorite part of this song has to be the beginning. “Don’t cry victim to me. Everything we are and used to be is buried and gone!!!!!”

So what is it then that people do to overcome?? Not sure about anyone else, but I know mine begins with praying to the one that created me and all that I have been blessed with in this life and all that I will be blessed with in the life to come. For me to overcome anything that may hit me in the face, I have to know that I have the love and support from the love of my life. Regardless of my own feelings, if he doesn’t support me and my efforts, those efforts become non-existent. I thank God that he does support everything I do in my life, and that he tells me what his thoughts are as I go on in my journey so that I’m able to intertwine him in to my dreams and goals. I wouldn’t have it any other way!!

Well that’s how it begins for me. I’m still working on the rest to this point. I do know that I have a great foundation to work with. My family loves me through everything I do in life, whether they agree or disagree is another story, but they always love and support ME. That’s all I need to know.

For me to overcome…Jamie Lynn has to pull out of this funk that she calls “life”. Really?? What the hell is it that keeps me here?? Not sure, but I really don’t care anymore. All I know is that I’m a survivor and will make it through anything the Lord puts in my path to challenge me. Just watch!!!!

The Power of Positive Thinking...

I have heard it a million times before and told so many people about it. Why is it that I am just now beginning to understand how it all works in my own life then?? I do not have an answer for that...but I am sure glad it is working...that is all I can say about it!! It is so true though. The way we think in life is exactly how things happen...so why not make it positive and full of good things??

Well, since my house was broken in to in April, I moved in with my sister. This has been a whole new world of experiences for me...and awesome ones at that!! It is just her and I with her 5 kids. It is definitely a challenge...but one that has been fun and that I welcome with open arms. My Uncle Joey has also passed away. Although we all miss him, I know that everyone is just glad that he did not suffer for very long. It was only about 5 or 6 weeks from the time that he was diagnosed with cancer until he died. The 1 year anniversary of Ashley's death is coming fast...too fast!! August 12th...the worst day of my life...but I know the best day of hers. I miss you little sister!! I love you so much sweetie!!

So what else has changed for me?? I no longer sit in my room and cry about why things happen to me...I am a good person, so why all of the crap...that kind of stuff. I am out and about doing things to better myself. I start a new job in about 2 weeks and it is going to be awesome!! Can't wait for that. I also start school in about 3 weeks...this will be interesting...but awesome all at the same time!! I had surgery 2 weeks ago...had to do something good for myself. I have lost 31 pounds since surgery and I am just so excited to feel better finally!!

It is hard to describe...but it is like things are finally falling in to place, right where they are meant to be. Sure I have my moments and days just like anyone else does, they are just few and far between...and much less dramatic now. I have learned that the only reason that all of these positive things are happening is because I am actually doing what I have been telling everyone else to do for so long...telling myself that things are just the way they are supposed to be and actually believing it. I do believe it...things happen the way they are meant to happen. I am happy!! Finally...for once in the last year...things are getting brighter. I have an incredible Angel...her name is Ashley Ann Mortensen Collins and I am so glad that she is my sister forever!!!

Crazy woman...

What the heck is the deal here?? I don't get what I did so wrong...but this is going to stop...and NOW!!! Never in my life have things gotten so out of whack. I realized yesterday why things have continued to go so far down for me. First of all...I sound selfish. I am not meaning to be...I am just reflecting on myself right now. So here is what I have come up with so far...



I woke up one day at the end of January 2008 and decided to make a much needed change. I could not "fake" being what other people wanted to see me be any longer. I told my then husband that it was over and I could not be in it by myself any longer. That day, I took my life back and planted my feet on a surface that I had never felt. There will always be a soft place inside of me for him...I just could not be with someone that did nothing for me anymore. I became my own woman...doing things I have wanted to do for years and loving the man that I knew I should have been with all along. I also realized in the past few days that timing is everything. I know the incredible love that Jeff and I share...I just now am beginning to understand that had we remained together all of these years...we could have really resented one another for things that we both may have felt held back from. I have experienced enough hurt and disappointment in my life to know that both of us had to feel that hurt in our lives to be able to see past each others weaknesses and love each other for who we really are. This has been a monumental discovery for me to see. Sadness and pain is inevitable in any relationship and in life in general. I don't expect there not to be tough times in our lives...but just knowing the unconditional love that someone has had for me all of these years, will pull me through anything that life throws my way. I offer this same love that I feel now and have for the past 11 years. Nothing can explain the way I have felt for so long...it is indescribable and amazing all at the same time.

Since the divorce, things have been a roller coaster. This has been the best year and a half of my life...yet the most challenging. The love I have felt has been very overwhelming at times...in a great way!! As everyone knows...I lost my little sister in August 2008, shortly after my divorce was final. In the time since Ashley died, Jeff's Grandmother passed away as well, my amazing Uncle Joey has been diagnosed with a very aggressive pancreatic cancer and has been given until August to live...which i doubt he will make it to. Also, on April 9, 2009 my life was devistated when 4 punk kids decided it would be a great idea to break in to my house and take the most expensive things that I had. I am most upset that they took my computer...then I found out they only got $400 for everything they had taken. How is that supposed to make a person feel?? Like everything that I had worked so hard for means so little to someone else. Bastards!! After talking to the Detective that is on my case...I am just happy that I was not home. These kids all had knives when they decided to break in, not knowing if anyone was in the house. You people suck!!

Time to move on. The more I sit and think about everything that has happened since August 12, 2008...the more depressed I feel and the more I break down. Hell no...nobody and nothing will break me. I refuse to let it happen. I figure the more I put out that has any form of negativity attached to it, the more negativity I will get back and the more bad things will keep happening. I am a positive person and a good woman. I deserve the best...I seek the best...I have the best for me!! I am proud of who I am as a person. If you don't like who I am or what I am...go away...it is not my loss. For now...I am doing all I can to survive...it will get better...no doubt in my mind!!

The Prison Wife...

Who is she??

She is around you more than you may ever realize. She is the girl in line at the grocery store. She is the girl sitting next to you at work. She is the girl on the other end of the phone when you call customer service. She is the girl standing at the mailbox just waiting and hoping there is a letter, amongst all of the bills, with his name in the top left corner. She is the girl jumping up and down when she hears his ringtone every day. She is the girl searching everywhere to find new perfume to spray on his letters. She is the girl laying alone at night...thinking of how it will feel to have his skin on hers all night long as they sleep. She is the girl crying tears because he is so far away...but do you know that is what the tears are for??

She is the girl setting out to achieve her goals and earn a college degree so that life can be successful for him and for her when they are finally reunited...and she does it with so much love and appreciation for all that he does for her, even though things are limited for the moment. She is the girl that everyone does not feel sorry for because this is the life she chose...so when things get rough...all she hears is "well that is the road you chose to take" or "if you would just move on and find someone who could be here and support you"...you just don't get it, do you??

She is the girl who has nobody to comfort and hold her when someone she loves passes away. She is the girl who must remain strong in the face of challenge. She is the girl with nobody to hold her hand and cry with her when she finds out that she has a medical problem. She is the girl that people look at with pity in their eyes because there is nothing they can do. He is the only man that can take this all away.

She is the girl that loves her man more than life itself. She is the girl that hurts when he tells her how worthless he is because he can't provide for her. She is the girl that tells him he is wonderful when the cops make him feel like he has no value as a man...when the only difference between them and him is that he just got caught...the cops will someday too. She is the girl that would give anything to make him understand just how much he really is loved and valued in this life. She is the girl that he vents to when he is struggling. She is the girl left in the dark because he will not tell her what life on the inside is like...she is too precious to know all of this and he wants to keep her sacred and away from this hell that he calls home. She is the girl wondering if she is on his mind as much as he is on hers. She is the girl that is just as imprisoned as he is...sure she does not live in that world...but she is doing the time right along with him.

She is the girl running to the bank to make sure she has enough quarters to get through the whole 8 hour visit. She is the girl driving an hour, 4 hours, or 14 hours so that she can finally kiss the man that she is in love with and be able to feel close to him for the hours that they are together. She is the girl who can't wait to see his face in person again. She is the girl going to "visit" her sweetheart...knowing that she will have to leave him again. She is the girl that hurts, knowing that any and all privacy that he has was gone the moment the cuffs were put on his wrists. She is the girl who wants to throw up when she thinks of the most incredible man that she has ever known, being shackled with chains around his stomach, his hands cuffed in front of him, his feet chained together...and chained to the person sitting next to him or walking in front of him. She is the girl that does not see the monster in him that they all think exists. She is the girl they call "naive" to the real world...she is not...she is sick of being classified like this just because she believes in people more than they believe in themselves.

She is the girl who lights up when she mentions his name or just thinks about him. She is the girl that gets butterflies in her stomach when he kisses her. She is the only person in this world that matters when he gives her a hug and tells her that he loves her. She is the girl counting down the days...waiting until he is free and there are no limits to how they express their love to each other for one another. She is the rock in his life...the solid foundation. She is his escape...especially when she is on the other end of the phone. She is the girl that he prays for. She is the girl that he fights for. She is the girl that he hopes is being faithful...but does he really trust her to be...and does he really believe her when she says she is?? She is the girl that does her very best in everything...inspite of the situation. She is his whole world...the letters she sends are priceless. He loves to smell her letters...it is refreshing from what he smells in there every day.

He is her whole world as well. He is on her mind 24/7/365. She is wondering what she can do to make him happy...she is limited...but she can change everything in his world for the better or for the worse...how is she going to decide to change it?? She is the greatest creation that God has ever made in his eyes. He is the most wonderful and incredible man on this earth in her eyes. The past is the past and that is just where it needs to stay. They pick up their lives...move toward one another...and create a whole new world inside of one another. When one gives, they receive. For everything she does for him to make him happy...he returns that to her. He showers her with unexpected gifts and amazing words written by his hand. He spoils her...and she spoils him. They fit...they always have...they always will. He loves her more than he could even try to describe...she loves him just the same...maybe more (:

Who is she?? She is me.

Why I smile...

Why not?? Smiling is contagious. Simply put. I get asked all the time why I smile so much. Honestly...I have no idea why...I just do. Get over it!! :) Not really...just messin with you right there. For real though...why not smile. Think about a bad day...maybe your worst day. What happens when you see someone with a smile?? Maybe you look at them and it pisses you off even more...maybe it does not do much to help at the time...but maybe...just maybe at some point in your bad day, that smile helps you smile. Subconsciously speaking...you may not realize that is what happened to you...but it just may be the reason you ended up smiling. Now...reverse that...lets say you are having a GREAT day and someone cuts you off in traffic, or makes a mean comment to you or to someone else and you hear it, or you just get someone else's negative energy stuck on you just by walking past them. Does it ruin your day?? I think for most people it can or it does. At times...I must admit...I let people in traffic get the best of me. I have a SUPER bad habit of yelling at cars as I drive...HEY...I am working on it!! One day in particular I got really MAD at someone that cut me off in the Wal-Mart parking lot...then I saw him in the store looking all happy and cheery. I realized at that very moment that he had no idea that he had ruined my day. You know what?? Why did I let him ruin it for those few minutes?? IMMEDIATELY my attitude changed right back in to all smiles...I was not gonna let someone else ruin my day...especially when he had no clue that he had done so. You feel me?? So...I smile. Yes...there are times that I cry, get upset, angry, yell, cry some more, make harsh comments to someone or about someone...ONLY when needed of course ;)...cry even more...that is what I do and I do it a lot at certain times :) Anyway...even during those harder moments in life...I am smiling...maybe not at that exact moment...but I don't stay down too long. I will not let myself. I understand everyone is different...I am not saying everyone can be this way...but most of the time how we think in life is exactly why things turn out the way they do. Some people really cannot control the way their brain thinks at all times...but during the times they can control it...make it positive and happy!! SMILE...you never know if your smile may have just saved someone from taking their own life. Sometimes that is all it takes to make all the difference in somebody else's world!!

Here she is again...on my mind once more...

So...these are the blogs that are on my Myspace page...one from the night that Ashley died and then one that I wrote the next day. Everyone was asking me what happened...so I posted it for everyone to read.

August 13, 2008 2:15am

How does one mourn the loss of someone so dear to their heart!?! I lost my sweet sister Ashley Ann Mortensen (soon to be Collins) about 6 hours ago. She left this world at the happiest point in her short life. She was going to marry the love of her life, Richie, on September 25, 2008. He made her SOOOOO happy and for the first time in her life and in my life...she FINALLY illuminated this glow that was indescribable, a literal glow!! All of the signs that her time on this earth was up, were so obvious, but nobody really paid much attention to them until after she was gone. She had frequently been telling my sister-in-law for the last 6 months that she felt like someone in our family was going to die to bring everyone closer together and she felt as though it would be her that would die...and now she is gone. Ashley and I struggled in our sisterly friendship a lot, well most of the time, during her short stay on this earth. About a year or so ago, I started to feel as though we really needed to repair our friendship and love each other to the fullest that we possibly could. We both recognized this and we had become very close. I love that little girl, well...woman, VERY much! I was just playin with her over text messages today...she was being so silly. I cannot believe she is gone...not sure that is has hit me completely yet...but she looked so beautiful just laying there after she died. She was so peaceful, calm, gorgeous, still so full of light...oh my goodness, she is so amazing! Baby girl...you will be in my heart and I will carry you EVERYWHERE I go for the rest of my life!!!!!! I know you are in a much better place and that you are very happy and I know that you and Richie will be together again someday! I love you sweet baby girl!!!

Love,

Your big sister

Jamie Lynn

August 13, 2008 10:53am

For those of you who want to know how Ashley died...here you go. There was a house on fire 3 doors down and my dad was going to help put out the flames before it spread to the whole house. He did not know that my brother was already there and putting out the flames with the hose. My dad said that Ashley was on the curb, he saw her there, then he backed up really fast to go help and just as he did, she stepped off the curb to look at the fire. He knocked her over and ran over her body. She was all the way up under the truck and her legs were sticking out the side of the truck. My dad and brother got under the truck and my dad said she breathed for about a minute and a half. My brother said that she looked at him and he just felt her telling him, "Thank You, please tell the family and Richie (her fiance) Thank You!" She stopped breathing at that point. They had a pulse before they took her, but her chest was so crushed that when they put the breathing tube down her throat, it just spewed blood. They had her alive still at the hospital but said her quality of life would have been very poor. She would not want to live like that! She went quick and that is a relief! It was her time...she knew it...she had been saying it for 6 months and it was like she was just preparing herself and all of us for it. My heart goes out to Richie...I could not get him out of my mind all night when she died...he was the first one I thought of when I pulled up and saw what was happening. I am so sad for him...he loves her SOOOO much and she was his everything and he was her everything! She is doing to Lord's work now...she is needed more there than here. To be honest...I am jealous of her! She is in a perfect place and we are all still here trying to figure out just what our purpose is...someday we will know, just as she came to know at the end of her life!