Crazy woman...

What the heck is the deal here?? I don't get what I did so wrong...but this is going to stop...and NOW!!! Never in my life have things gotten so out of whack. I realized yesterday why things have continued to go so far down for me. First of all...I sound selfish. I am not meaning to be...I am just reflecting on myself right now. So here is what I have come up with so far...



I woke up one day at the end of January 2008 and decided to make a much needed change. I could not "fake" being what other people wanted to see me be any longer. I told my then husband that it was over and I could not be in it by myself any longer. That day, I took my life back and planted my feet on a surface that I had never felt. There will always be a soft place inside of me for him...I just could not be with someone that did nothing for me anymore. I became my own woman...doing things I have wanted to do for years and loving the man that I knew I should have been with all along. I also realized in the past few days that timing is everything. I know the incredible love that Jeff and I share...I just now am beginning to understand that had we remained together all of these years...we could have really resented one another for things that we both may have felt held back from. I have experienced enough hurt and disappointment in my life to know that both of us had to feel that hurt in our lives to be able to see past each others weaknesses and love each other for who we really are. This has been a monumental discovery for me to see. Sadness and pain is inevitable in any relationship and in life in general. I don't expect there not to be tough times in our lives...but just knowing the unconditional love that someone has had for me all of these years, will pull me through anything that life throws my way. I offer this same love that I feel now and have for the past 11 years. Nothing can explain the way I have felt for so long...it is indescribable and amazing all at the same time.

Since the divorce, things have been a roller coaster. This has been the best year and a half of my life...yet the most challenging. The love I have felt has been very overwhelming at times...in a great way!! As everyone knows...I lost my little sister in August 2008, shortly after my divorce was final. In the time since Ashley died, Jeff's Grandmother passed away as well, my amazing Uncle Joey has been diagnosed with a very aggressive pancreatic cancer and has been given until August to live...which i doubt he will make it to. Also, on April 9, 2009 my life was devistated when 4 punk kids decided it would be a great idea to break in to my house and take the most expensive things that I had. I am most upset that they took my computer...then I found out they only got $400 for everything they had taken. How is that supposed to make a person feel?? Like everything that I had worked so hard for means so little to someone else. Bastards!! After talking to the Detective that is on my case...I am just happy that I was not home. These kids all had knives when they decided to break in, not knowing if anyone was in the house. You people suck!!

Time to move on. The more I sit and think about everything that has happened since August 12, 2008...the more depressed I feel and the more I break down. Hell no...nobody and nothing will break me. I refuse to let it happen. I figure the more I put out that has any form of negativity attached to it, the more negativity I will get back and the more bad things will keep happening. I am a positive person and a good woman. I deserve the best...I seek the best...I have the best for me!! I am proud of who I am as a person. If you don't like who I am or what I am...go away...it is not my loss. For now...I am doing all I can to survive...it will get better...no doubt in my mind!!