Why I smile...

Why not?? Smiling is contagious. Simply put. I get asked all the time why I smile so much. Honestly...I have no idea why...I just do. Get over it!! :) Not really...just messin with you right there. For real though...why not smile. Think about a bad day...maybe your worst day. What happens when you see someone with a smile?? Maybe you look at them and it pisses you off even more...maybe it does not do much to help at the time...but maybe...just maybe at some point in your bad day, that smile helps you smile. Subconsciously speaking...you may not realize that is what happened to you...but it just may be the reason you ended up smiling. Now...reverse that...lets say you are having a GREAT day and someone cuts you off in traffic, or makes a mean comment to you or to someone else and you hear it, or you just get someone else's negative energy stuck on you just by walking past them. Does it ruin your day?? I think for most people it can or it does. At times...I must admit...I let people in traffic get the best of me. I have a SUPER bad habit of yelling at cars as I drive...HEY...I am working on it!! One day in particular I got really MAD at someone that cut me off in the Wal-Mart parking lot...then I saw him in the store looking all happy and cheery. I realized at that very moment that he had no idea that he had ruined my day. You know what?? Why did I let him ruin it for those few minutes?? IMMEDIATELY my attitude changed right back in to all smiles...I was not gonna let someone else ruin my day...especially when he had no clue that he had done so. You feel me?? So...I smile. Yes...there are times that I cry, get upset, angry, yell, cry some more, make harsh comments to someone or about someone...ONLY when needed of course ;)...cry even more...that is what I do and I do it a lot at certain times :) Anyway...even during those harder moments in life...I am smiling...maybe not at that exact moment...but I don't stay down too long. I will not let myself. I understand everyone is different...I am not saying everyone can be this way...but most of the time how we think in life is exactly why things turn out the way they do. Some people really cannot control the way their brain thinks at all times...but during the times they can control it...make it positive and happy!! SMILE...you never know if your smile may have just saved someone from taking their own life. Sometimes that is all it takes to make all the difference in somebody else's world!!

Here she is again...on my mind once more...

So...these are the blogs that are on my Myspace page...one from the night that Ashley died and then one that I wrote the next day. Everyone was asking me what happened...so I posted it for everyone to read.

August 13, 2008 2:15am

How does one mourn the loss of someone so dear to their heart!?! I lost my sweet sister Ashley Ann Mortensen (soon to be Collins) about 6 hours ago. She left this world at the happiest point in her short life. She was going to marry the love of her life, Richie, on September 25, 2008. He made her SOOOOO happy and for the first time in her life and in my life...she FINALLY illuminated this glow that was indescribable, a literal glow!! All of the signs that her time on this earth was up, were so obvious, but nobody really paid much attention to them until after she was gone. She had frequently been telling my sister-in-law for the last 6 months that she felt like someone in our family was going to die to bring everyone closer together and she felt as though it would be her that would die...and now she is gone. Ashley and I struggled in our sisterly friendship a lot, well most of the time, during her short stay on this earth. About a year or so ago, I started to feel as though we really needed to repair our friendship and love each other to the fullest that we possibly could. We both recognized this and we had become very close. I love that little girl, well...woman, VERY much! I was just playin with her over text messages today...she was being so silly. I cannot believe she is gone...not sure that is has hit me completely yet...but she looked so beautiful just laying there after she died. She was so peaceful, calm, gorgeous, still so full of light...oh my goodness, she is so amazing! Baby girl...you will be in my heart and I will carry you EVERYWHERE I go for the rest of my life!!!!!! I know you are in a much better place and that you are very happy and I know that you and Richie will be together again someday! I love you sweet baby girl!!!

Love,

Your big sister

Jamie Lynn

August 13, 2008 10:53am

For those of you who want to know how Ashley died...here you go. There was a house on fire 3 doors down and my dad was going to help put out the flames before it spread to the whole house. He did not know that my brother was already there and putting out the flames with the hose. My dad said that Ashley was on the curb, he saw her there, then he backed up really fast to go help and just as he did, she stepped off the curb to look at the fire. He knocked her over and ran over her body. She was all the way up under the truck and her legs were sticking out the side of the truck. My dad and brother got under the truck and my dad said she breathed for about a minute and a half. My brother said that she looked at him and he just felt her telling him, "Thank You, please tell the family and Richie (her fiance) Thank You!" She stopped breathing at that point. They had a pulse before they took her, but her chest was so crushed that when they put the breathing tube down her throat, it just spewed blood. They had her alive still at the hospital but said her quality of life would have been very poor. She would not want to live like that! She went quick and that is a relief! It was her time...she knew it...she had been saying it for 6 months and it was like she was just preparing herself and all of us for it. My heart goes out to Richie...I could not get him out of my mind all night when she died...he was the first one I thought of when I pulled up and saw what was happening. I am so sad for him...he loves her SOOOO much and she was his everything and he was her everything! She is doing to Lord's work now...she is needed more there than here. To be honest...I am jealous of her! She is in a perfect place and we are all still here trying to figure out just what our purpose is...someday we will know, just as she came to know at the end of her life!

It's hard...but well worth it in the end...

So...yes I am in love with an amazing man...yes I would do ANYTHING to have him in my life...yes I know what I have gotten myself in to with him being so far away, but he is still so near and dear to my heart. Words cannot express the way that I feel for this man...he is wonderful, incredible, amazing, sweet, thoughtful, loving, caring, just everything that I could ever want. He is still far from me and this is the trouble inside my heart tonight. It is lover's day today and tonight...yet I sit here alone...wishing I was in his arms finally. Only 5 more lover's days to miss before I am able to feel that warmth and strength that he gives me with just a thought of him. Something about him makes me feel so safe...even while he is gone away. He is such a giant...a gentle giant...but he is the one that does nothing but make me feel like I am the most important thing in his life. I feel so tiny next to him...that is crazy...but he just surrounds me and makes me feel more love with each time I hear his voice. Does he know and understand just how much he means to me?? I don't know for sure...but I know that I am figuring out just how much I mean to him. It has taken me a long while to get to this point, but finally I am seeing the whole picture and learning that he loves me for me...not for any other reason but that I am who I am. He is my world, without him, I am not whole. I missed out on 8 years of that wholeness that my love gives me. Some people may understand, others may not, that is just fine either way...all that matters to me is that I understand. It all makes sense again, life...love. It just fits together finally. I am so thankful for how free I feel for the first time in my life...it is truly the greatest feeling in my life at this point. 

I long for his touch, his whisper in my ear, his calm reassurance, the gentleness of his hands slowly moving up my arms as he stands behind me with his lips pressed against my cheek and he breathes in my scent and cherishes my every move. I long to just feel his body next to mine...that will be a wonderful day. Until then...I lay here alone and dream of the day I will touch him the way I want to...without anyone telling me to move away from him. Nothing to stop us...no boundaries...just love and emotion intertwining to make one being out of two that used to be. 

I love you with everything inside of me...we will be together forever before you know it. Thank you for loving me through my damages and taking care of me when I don't know how to anymore. MUAH baby...MUAH!!! 

Forever Yours,

Jamie Lynn Gower