At this point in my life...

When things in life come to a crossroad...which way does one go?? See...here is how I am thinking...who is the one that decides how you should live your life. Who is it that has the right to tell you what to do, when to do it, how to do it, how often to do it and how well to do whatever you are doing?? Things in my life now are much different than they once were. To those who see me at this point in life, I am sorry that you see me as a lost soul. I feel as though I have finally found myself. I express myself much more freely than I ever have before, I do things that I would have never dared to do. I am great friends with those that I may never have been blessed to know had I stayed the way I was. Everyone on this earth deserves the chance to know just who they were always intended to be. Think about it...who are you?? Are you someone who does things just because that is what they were always told was right...or do you TRULY believe that those things are the right things to be doing. If you do believe the things that you were always told and you live your life that way because it is who and what you are...then that is awesome and I am proud of you. For me...I believe the way that I believe...nobody and nothing will ever change that in me. When it comes to me being who I am...I am who I am...if you can't handle the choices I make because you think that I am going the wrong way in life...then turn your body the other way and just keep walking. I am not being someone that you want me to be. I am being who I know that I am and who I have always been. Love me or don't...it is your gain or your loss. I love you even if you walk away!! 

I am exhausted in life right now...in every way possible. I do everything for everyone and it is tiring. I had a VERY good friend tell me a couple of nights ago that I can't save everyone. You know what?? This is so true!! I can only save me...that is exactly what I must do now. Call it selfish...call it selfless...call it whatever you want...just know that I am doing all that I can for myself. The only people I must answer to is myself and the good Lord above!! Where life takes me is up to me...I know the direction I am headed and I will make it there...regardless of who and what tries to get in my way. I will push through challenges and trials that life will throw in my way and I will learn from those challenges and turn them in to my strengths...then move forward and do it all over again. As for now...all is good!! I have AMAZING people in my life...in every area of my life...and I always surround myself with positive influences. This is just me...just Jamie Lynn...just a girl who is doing her best and making it through every good and bad part of life. Just me!!   

Just thinking...

So...tonight I had my eyes opened a bit more to this thing I call my life. I realized that I am still so closed off and need to look inside myself more and learn that I can trust myself...otherwise, how can I trust others, especially the most important person in my life. Still reeling from the mental abuse that I endured in my marriage, I hold things back from the man that I love and that hurts him. I sit here in tears for the thought of any hurt that I cause him. I am so blessed to have him in my life. I know exactly why I wonder if I am always getting the full truth from him, it is because in some things, I don't tell him the full truth in my life. Everything I have ever shared with this amazing man is the absolute truth, I just know that I need to stop worrying about what his reaction will be and tell him every detail so he has the FULL truth. He does not react the same way that another man in my past does...he actually has kind words and incredible advice to give me when I tell him about things that I have done to mess up. He does not judge me and he makes me feel more loved even in the errors that I continue to make. He loves me more with every flaw that he finds...instead of beating my mind up with those flaws and making me feel like less of a woman than I really am. So why don't I do what I need to do to make sure that I will gain more of his trust instead of trashing it?? That is the question that I can't get out of my head and it is the one thing that hurts me the most at this moment. Jamie has to make some mental changes if things will ever come full circle and finally feel complete. I feel like more of a whole woman than I have ever felt before, yet part of me won't let go of the hurt from the past. The only prison is my mind...will I continue to let this pain from the past hold me in a locked cell forever?? Hell NO!!! I am picking up the rest of the pieces and taking back my life. I am opening up the last door that has been locked deep inside my heart and there will be no more "hiding" things that I think will hurt him or anyone else. My life is open to reality and I will face it with the upmost respect for myself, a respect that I have never had for myself. Forgive me my love, forgive me for still sheltering the deepest part of my life and love. Take me and peel off the burnt and damaged pieces of my heart and body...take care of my pain and never let my heart hurt the way that it has for so many years since you left my life before. Having this most amazing love that I have missed out on for so long has made me realize just how much value I have in life, and not just my own life, but the lives of all who love me.

I am so sorry for waiting even a moment to tell you anything that could hurt you. Thank you for everything...for the gift of life...the gift of TRUE LOVE...the gift of YOU!!!

Have you ever just loved someone so much it hurts?? There is nothing more joyous and happy than true love, there is nothing more painful and devastating than true love, there is nothing more calming and peaceful than true love, there is nothing more incredible and inspiring than true love, there is nothing more scary and vulnerable than true love. True love is true love...nothing can or ever will change that and nothing can or ever will measure up to true love. Nothing from the past will ever take away the possibilities of a future, as long as everyone involved in the future is willing to take chances on love and on life, pick themselves up when they fall and just keep on moving in the reality of the moment.

Being in love with you has been the best thing that has ever happened in my life. No single moment, until now, has been so great...now every moment is better than great!! Every moment that I know is yours, mine and ours. You are the very best friend that a girl could ever ask for and the very best man that a woman could want to share eternity with. I am just so glad that I am that lucky girl...the most lucky girl in the world to have the most awesome man to love me, wrap me in his arms, and call me his for now and for forever. Regardless of my weaknesses, you love me and I have tried to figure out why...then I decided...I don't need to figure out why, I just know that you do and that is all I need to know. Thank you for believing in me and constantly encouraging me to better my thoughts and my life. You truly are the greatest part of me!! Thank you for loving me!!! I love you more than anything on this planet!!

Love,
Your Baby Cakes

Why her??

My sweet sister...I miss you more than words can even express. I don't even know where to start. I love you more than I ever have and I am so sorry that I did not do enough to express that when you were on this earth. Your life has truly amazed me. I know that you always felt like you did not matter to anyone...for that I am truly sorry. I am sorry that I did not wrap my arms around you when you needed it the most...that is all I want now...just to hold you in my arms again, to love you and to never ever let you go. You are the most beautiful woman that I have ever known and now your beauty is so much more powerful and bright...for I have seen you in my dreams. Baby girl...I long for the day that I will see you again and be able to wrap my arms around your neck and tell you how much I love you. Ashley, I pray that you are able to truly feel the wholeness that you longed for on this earth and was never able to feel. I know that you are now in the arms of Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father and that they are keeping you very busy with all of us down here asking for help in so many areas of our lives. I have found comfort in knowing that you are the one that the Lord has granted the right to administer to me and the rest of the family during our times of struggles and to catch us when we fall. Thank you for being my angel Ash...you are the best angel that anyone could ever ask for. I am proud of you for getting your life in order the way that you wanted it to be before the Lord took you from this hell. I can't wait until it is also my turn to return to that place and be with you and the rest of the family...no I am not in any hurry...I just anticipate that day. 

There are so many things that I miss...but I am so thankful for the sweet memories that I have of you and us. I miss your voice...you have the most incredible voice I have ever heard and I know that the Lord is putting it to great use in the Heavenly choirs above. I miss the way that you announced your entrance in to any room at any given time. It was always well know when you were around. I miss your woody-woodpecker laugh and how big your cheeks got when you would laugh. I miss your screaming and cheering for ASU and I miss going to any of those games with you. I miss your bling...the BIG necklaces and and earrings that always added extra beauty to your already beautiful face. I miss watching all of the babies run and jump in your arms when you showed up...I miss them saying, "Ashwey"...and seeing the look on your face when you would see them, and your puckered lips when you wanted smooches from them. I miss watching you text someone without ever looking at your phone, while you are carrying on a face to face conversation with someone else. I miss how much you were online...it drove me crazy...but I miss it so much now!! I miss telling you to pull your shirt up so you were not showing your world to everyone. I miss your crooked bottom lip and tiny upper lip. I miss your "pit bull" attitude. I miss our arguments cuz we both knew we were right...now I know how much being right does not matter one damn bit!! The most important part is being happy...not being right. I would let you be right every time if I had only known that you would be taken from us so early. I miss you...every part of you...every everything about you. I am so sorry that I was mean to you when we were kids...please forgive me Ashley!! I love you so much and I don't know how to go on without you at times. 

Never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined that I would see you in your Temple clothes for the first time as you lay in your casket. Never would I have ever thought that I would have to help dress my 21 year old sister and help do her hair and make-up for her funeral...I should have been helping dress my 21 year old sister and helping with her hair and make-up for her wedding that should have been 6 weeks later. OUCH...that thought hurts. Never would I have thought that I would have to bury a sibling before a parent...not that I am looking forward to burying anyone at any time. Never would I have imagined that all text messages and phones calls from her would be non-existent. I swear that the Lord has given her special permission to have a phone up there cuz I still get texts from her phone number (even though I know my nieces have that number now). I just know that some of the things that are sent to me as a text from that number are from her...I love it...and I love when it scares me too!! 

Ashley, I would give anything to see you again! Thank you for letting me see you in a dream so that I know that you are exactly where you are supposed to be and that you are and will forever be watching over me and all of us. Thank you for just being you and for being a part of my life...you are a great blessing to me. I miss you dearly and I love you very much!!! 

Love, 

Lamie Jynn :)

Have you ever wondered??

What is it in life that makes us who we are?? Is it who gave birth to us...or maybe who raised us...or the things that we have seen throughout our childhood and the rest of our lives?? Well here is the way I think and truly believe...

I believe that we were all given our personalities, traits and looks in a former life by God. When we crossed through that vail to come to this earth...some things changed for all of us. Some of us were given challenges that nobody else on this earth was strong enough to handle. God knew that those people were the strongest ones and that by giving them those challenges...they may feel inadequate at times throughout their lives and want to do things to change that...but no matter what they do, it never changes. If a "normal" person was given these same challenges...they would fall to pieces and they would never survive it. Those stronger people who have been given these extra challenges...whether physical or mental...are able to work through the rough times in their lives the way that nobody else could even dream of. These people are given an incredible gift that sometimes can feel like a major curse throughout their lives. Only they will ever know what it is like to live inside of their own minds...and it is up to those who surround them to take the things that happen to them or things that they may do, and learn from them. We can make or break their entire world...it is up to us to make sure that their surrounding world is nothing but awesome and uplifting...as they may never be able to do that on their own. It is us that can change someone who has these challenges from a potential that nobody ever wants to see, to something that can change this world for now and for the rest of time and possibly for eternity.

I have been blessed to have had the opportunity to know a few of these people who constantly struggle and I am honored to say that I am in love with one of them. I am in no way an angel, but I do know that I am the one who can either tear his world to shreds, or make it something that he can constantly see as his safe haven and a refuge from the storm. I am so glad that I can see the difference...there is nothing on this planet that I want more than to make him happy and make the rest of his time on this earth the very best that it can be...until he is relieved of this burden and the Lord looks him in the eyes and says, "Well done thou good and faithful servant. I love you son!"